If Only!

If loving you was right
Why does it hurt so bad
Why does it really crush so hard
Why does it dry away my buds
Why does it have to be like I picked the wrong card?

I try to find a place that I love the most
Maybe it will curb my pain
And perhaps,
Not sure, it will make me feel my self worth again
I try to talk it out
Maybe, just maybe, the void in me shall be filled
But instead, I feel so empty
Worthless and unwanted
I cry myself to sleep each time you pick up an unnecessary fight
I cannot have what I wish to have the most, peace
Because every piece in me breaks into pieces

I hate to pick up my phone
Use my last strength amidst silent tears
And say I am okay
I hate to tell you its okay just to call off an argument
I hate to look at your pictures deeply
That tears taint my screen
Uncontrollably
And do you know what I’ll tell you when you call?
” Uuuhm I am okay”
But do you hear the wails behind that,
Do you?

Do you know that sometimes you are all I need to gain my strength
Do you know that most of the times I talk to your pictures asking for warmth
Do you know sometimes, just sometimes
All I wish for is just to hear your voice
But when you talk, you are so out of it
Leaving me feeling worse than before
Unending migraines and overflowing tears
If loving you was wrong, why did you even get me to love you?

The Fear

She was seated there,staring into space,her mind was all wandering, she loved him but deep down she had a fear, a fear that she has never really handled, fear of losing all she had worked for to make this man win her heart. He was a good man, you know, drinks occasionally, no weird tattoo, she was his priority, surprised her with gifts however small and God he loved with his whole heart. Imperfect in his own way,forgot to comb his hair, flash the toilet, he at times burped, or farted… but all that was just the little imperfections she could handle. In summary, the man who made her smile was a perfect combination of a man every lady would wish to have.

But the fear,she knew very well they both had was still burning deep within her soul, her mind was restless and her heart was all achy. The fear was her past,she feared that he had not let go, and she too had not let go off her past.

Just last night she called him Dave yet he was Justin, Dave was her ex, As if that was not all, few minutes ago she heard him call her Juliet and yet she was Bernadette…. She feared that the past was all haunting them… she was to love Justin and Justin alone but the demons of the past seem not to have let them go, they seem to be determined to get in between yet they had made a promise that they would not let anything come between them. but the ghosts were all there, eavesdropping, promised and swore to ruin it.

She was all teary, deep down she felt they were wounded souls intertwined together.

Her mind was fully engaged that she did not see him coming in and his arms wrapped round her: ” Babe, are you okay?” is all she heard, she wanted to tell him, she was not okay, but She just could not.

I am not  a relationship advisor, I screw up and have failed in keeping most of my relationships but one thing I am certain is that I never would give up someone I love, or something I am passionate about.

In life our past ghosts will never cease to haunt us, what we do about them is what saves us from them… Do we run away from them? Do we choose to leave the people who love us? or do we stay in, fight with the demons and let our partner loves us as we love them, love is a process and you have to give it a chance to let it grow.

The answer is always love

Every Night Is Tears

I am trying so hard to write this…. I have deleted say a hundred statements… I don’t know what to say,my eyes are clouded with tears… The music at the background is emotional… I want to be unconscious, I want to lie down and never wake up,but i can’t… i still need to forget all that is going on around me. The world has turned its back on me, I am trying to breathe fine, i can’t.

The only way I feel I can help is write down my feelings,the hardest part of a writer is turning the pain to words… but the pain is too much, the words can’t come,my hands are shaky but i know deep down I must write this.

Now shall we talk.

“Have you ever  been in love? for many a “Yes” would be an answer,but then what does it really feel to be in love? To love someone? to be loved by someone? Ever seen someone and you just smile? Ever love someone till it makes you cry? Ever been loved till you feel you own the world? I may go on and on and on to talk of what it is to be loved and to love…. but I do not want to, instead I will tell you a story, a story of a young man. He was innocent,no not the innocent you are thinking of, he was naive, weak at heart but pure…. he was till he met her,from the sight he could not explain what he felt but deep down he knew he was in love,her charisma took over his emotions,he did not know what to do,he wanted to cry,but he could not, he wanted to laugh, even a smile could not, Instead all he did was just stare and just listen to her musical voice.

Started with a simple Hello,followed by a date,a hug…and…. no the kiss never came,it was like a deep adventure,they both knew what they wanted,they wanted to leave town and be in their own. They were in circles,an adventure, desires and passion burning within them and they looked deep into their own eyes,they were under a spell. The kiss sealed what they believed they had.

I swear they loved each other in a different way, it was a different kind of love,a mature one,they made love like teenagers, they got out at night and played like kids, they cooked together, ate together, the world was all a different place to them, they owned the nights and created the mornings and lived the days ,they were an addiction to the other, a drug that they could not live without, they cried in each other arms and most important they created memories never to be to be erased.

Suddenly everything changed,she was divided,he was hurt,she still loved someone else, he never stopped loving her. She cried of her imperfections, he loved her with her imperfections. She pushed him away, with every push away he even developed a greater pull towards her. She stopped saying she loves him,but every morning and every dark night he always reminded her that he loves her and will always love her. She did not want to break his heart, but she knew deep he was hurt, yes, he was hurt but the love he had for her suppressed the pain.

She became silent,he kept thinking of her,she thought he was a cling,an unmanly feature,the love they built insulted him and spat on his face. She thought he had given up and let go her. Behind the curtains,in the showers tears were streaming his face,washed away by the pouring waters,deep down in his heart he knew exactly what he had to say to her. Instead he moved out of the showers,grabbed a towel and in his right hand grabbed a pen and decided to write:

‘To My Beloved,

The first time I met you,I did not really know what it felt to be in love. I did not  choose you because you were pretty,in as much as your charming beauty paralyzed my weak heart, I chose you because your imperfections amazed me,we were ourselves when we were together,i did not have to hide what the public called embarrassing,instead we made fun out of it.

I love you,the man within me loves you and so does the boy within me,under the skies and the stars I rewrite “I love you”. I just want you to be happier.

your ever-loving,

Love”

He then walked out,looked through the balcony as if he sought her face,smiled and as if he had seen her,he jumped……

Dived right into the pool and that is when he saw her,in her eyes were the words ‘I love you too’ as she saw the last of his pieces staring at her,never to be recollected,never to be stitched back,in his still eyes he seemed to ask “Are you happy now?”

She could not stop shedding tears every night”

And tears never stop as I think of you.

A Family is a Treasure

God, it’s 3 am and I’m still not asleep,my mind is full of thoughts,how the world could have been a worse place than now for me if some people didn’t really exist… People who you offer them nothing but they’re too welcoming that you feel guilty,you feel they owe you a lot … But then they are still by your side regardless of how disappointing you’re, despite how weird your dressing could be,despite how your dancing styles could be crazy…. They still believe in you….

Well before I get to explain all this,I have to talk about a memory( hope I could remember it clearly despite the music over the stereo that’s giving me a sad frown when I think of someone)….

Well I was with her walking in the dark streets,just holding hands,this particular night had been kinda weird for both of us… We all were expecting the usual dinner with exchange of pleasantries and a narration of how weird or ordinary our week has been… But it turned out different… It turned out emotional after some occurrence of some crazy feelings amongst us… I was too emotional(a hint about me,apart from my mum who has seen my tears,she has been an exception), as usual when I’m emotional I always request for a walk…

“Brian, I really don’t need anything much from you, I’ve got you, that’s what is important” she broke the weird silence between us with the sweetest words I needed that day…

Well I had messed up with her a little and I was too guilty to even talk, but here she was telling me how happy she’s being with me, with my years of experience,I judged it as one of the honest remarks ever made(well apart from my undesirable dancing movements)..

“You’re the best part of my family” is all I could say… Honestly she’s…(I’ll talk about that on a different post) but for now I’m thinking about the sole people on earth who’ll always love you regardless of what, people who they’ll always be on their toes to ensure you don’t lose a pound,people who’ll feed you even if you feel fat,people who’ll say “I love you” and mean it… I’m talking about FAMILY

Dance in the Rain

I’m so sorry saying this but i really hate the fact that I’ve grown up,i hate the fact that i can no longer have the freedom to think like a child,to smile at everyone who smiles at me,the fact that i can’t get out of my clothes and dance to that favourite music(Oh wait may be I’ve gone too far) but the fact is i really miss the moment in life i had all of the wildest dreams ever thought of….

At one point i can remember,i was a doctor, treating a someone who had a tough disease i couldn’t remember(by then i did) running around in the hospital ward to ward,that was then,at another point i was a pilot,too high above the ground,oh the landscape was just amazing,i was seeing all i wanted to see.

In short with my imagination i was always whoever i wanted to be,i loved the people around me,they loved me too. Then i grew up,in a country where people believed you are to be who you want to be by going through a measuring scale,a worthiness scale,they said just to taste whether you’re competent for it,they called it education. I thought it was all that but then i grew up more and found even the worst of if all,money,i found out that for you to get the best of it all you’ve to pay more for it,if you want to be the best pilot,you’ve to have money to join the best aviation institution,you want to be the best doctor,pay more to be in that best medical school,if you wanted to be the best guitarist pay more to be in that musical school,getting worse right.

I thought that was all till i now became a young adult and got to know not everyone likes you,i started getting mean and as many would call it i had a ‘selfish love’ ,i had a circle of people i loved,and worst it turned into a triangle,a line…. And now its heading for a dot,a world where i’ll be a loner,yet i was born as an extrovert,why,you’d ask,the earthly things has kicked out humanity.

Well that was before i realized something,rain,not only rain but a dark rainy night.( Many love this,majorly because it gives them that kind of a sweet sleep) but to me it is different.

The rain had kicked in,and as a paranoid person(that is not me but what the world has created in me),with the fear of our medical centres,thanks to education now we’ve turned the humane doctors to what i’d call robotic medical practitioners,i locked myself in fear of catching cold or pnemounia(well most important my love,sleep and bed did not want to be alone for the night,for the fact that they have proven to be the only genuinely in love with me i had to give in to their wish). Well yeah i was sleeping but my mind couldn’t allow,every time i try to sleep,that is the time it reminds me of some shitty decisions i did,some intelligent statements i did not say in that meeting,something i should not have said and such craps,so i got out of bed and decided to take a walk,my obsession with music made me to pick up my phone and headphones,i was now complete. As i walked out i had to stop and be perplexed by what rain had caused,the place was so deserted,a ghost place to be precise. “Don’t walk out now its dangerous”, the usual angel within me always pretending to care about me but i am sure it does suffers as i do…. The devil within me never fails,i obeyed it to mpve oit and experience that madness in the muddy world. Time 2.14 am.

The more i walked into the darkness,the more i realized of how i have lost myself into what the world wanted to define me but not who i am,and that is when i did it,that is the time i was who i was,the time i forgot about that moment i was hit by a hurricane,the time i was rehected,the time i was unappreciated even by that one special person i’ve ever lived up for….. The one moment i cared about nothing but my youthfullness.

My favourite music played(Pills and automobiles) and i danced to its tune,in the rain,i was me,and there was my happiness,welcome back my child-like mind, wild, imaginative, creative and most important happy.

The Reality Struck Them.

Sorry I’ve been busy serving the nation,(wait the nation was serving me),sorting some crazy issues with whoever it may concern,in short I’ve been having a hectic moment until yeah I got across some heated discussion by one blogger by the name Cyprian Nyakundi(a one crazy blogger). 

So this time he decided to talk about something very important,”The endangerment of a rare species called ‘boy-child'”, shockingly we are losing the boy child. I agreed with him on some opinions he had brought forth which some of my friends having labelled them important doctrines. But then he’s missing something,in as much as he’s fighting for boy child enlightment,what he is doing is bringing out an impression of gender dominance,we are all fighting for gender equality(it sounded impossible,we therefore opted for gender equity).

Feminism,a word that has really made every boy child acared,I’m not an exception unfortunately. Feminist have always scared my wits with their many questions and opinions they bring forth and demand an adoption of the same to the law of the people(I am talking about the extremist),a mentality created.”What a man can do,a woman can do better” and a more crazy one i got somewhere that said “Educate a boy,have a rich neighbour,educate a girl educate a society” where the heaven do you get sentiments,seriously.

Back to serious matters,I am officially adressing this to the Boy child,one,ask yourself what just made you to be declared an endangered species? What makes the girl child more (I won’t call it powerful or dominant, I’d call it ….yes clever)clever?

You all know the history,i need not to illustrate of how women were treated in the previous age. And then an era came when women realized that they’re living a wrong purpose,they just realized that they’re man’s companion,man’s helper,not slaves. They realized that they too can serve the society as good as men do,they realized early marriages to old men as God-knows-who wife number was not giving them a chance to build their own home when given a house,and most impotarnt,they were not sexual objects to just fulfill the men’s sexual urges,no. Rather they’re there to be part of the making and raising up of a great society,they too had to enjoy sex(after all that’s why they do have sexual urges and organs) and a new era rose,many men are proud of the era,but it became a nightmare to the boy child.

In the past years ago boys were raised up and taught a very important virtue,they’re the pillars to themselves,the community and the society,they were supposed to be the protectors of the women and children(that is why in my community,no man is allowed to attack any woman or a child). In essence men were the custodians of the society. The same era of women empowerment,the same era when west civilisation was brought to us,the same era of education,and a more dangerous era of invention of movies to our land, as we kicked out FGM(female genital mutilation) and early marriages amongs our girls whom we loved,we kicked a very important part of our tradition ” Men becoming the custodians of the society”.

A new era of a boy child species rose,a boy who would watch soap operas and cry when an actor cries(no hard feelings for my friends who watch soap operas),an era of boys who started dating at their tender immature ages of twelves and thirteens,boys who texted a love message to their lovers by googling,boy who made sex as a first priority in relationship because a movie exposed it so.

Then came the silly ‘friendzone’ mentality brought forth by sexually starved boys who believed them being denied sex by a woman was a form of a new retaliation. We should go back to our fathers for advices not the internet.

Boy child,you fearing an empowered woman is what’s making you extinct,it’s time you thank God for them. Starting with me,all my female friend I’ll call them dignified ladies,ladies who know their value,ladies who are meant to be a man’s companion,ladies who offer me a financial advice,ladies who most of the time would set me on the right part and still respect me,ladies who I won’t hesitate to provide them with anything,well except a few,I thank God for them.

Men treasure and work with empowered women,boys fear them. But why… A boy won’t just find his way easily sexually on an empowered woman,that woman would say no and mean no. But men be aware of a wrong group of women,women who focus on taking whatever men  build with their own sweats and sabotage it,these women have substituted their brains with their beauty,their shapely boobs and their huge thick butt to make a man think with his d*** fully erect than using logic and reason for all he would think is about that treasure in between the legs. The Bible calls them foolish women,I call them whores and a general word is SLAYQUEENS,I say don’t be their custodians. Ensure you differentiate a lady with a prostitute.

Finally a man provides to the woman,a woman brings forth the fruits of the man’s hardworking,it’s boys who fear responsibility.
This is what I’d call gender information I’ll be back.

A Man Who’s A Man

I’m not usually missing myself but then there’s always a starting point of anything,well here I go I miss myself so much. That aside I wasn’t even going to talk about anyway.

I’ve been with my friends some few moments ago and they all told me they won’t miss the dance,every young man,whether lame,blind,deaf,strong weak,bowed legs(no wait maybe I’ve gone too far),well generally any energetic man who would wish not to be a celibate was to be in the dance. This was my first dance and may God forgive me,dances freaks me out(a story of another day).

Which kind of dress would suit her,should I wear the cheetah’s skin with the gazelle’s skin belt,naaah,I’m not going on a war(or am I?),i guess I’ll have to settle with the cheetah’s skin but not the gazelle’s belt,it all sound sarcastic,I’ll go for the cheetah’s belt too,after all it was my father’s lucky charm that he used to win my mum.

It was already 8 pm an hour to the dance,I took my dagger and fully secured it on my waist,set up my horse and directed it to the chief’s homestead,that is where the dance was to take place.

After some distance away from my home,i remembered that i hadn’t picked up her gift from my grandma… Well that was an easy task as I was just some few blocks away from my grandmother’s hut… So made the usual manly sound that was to send a signal to the women in the homestead that i was around,they all turned their head to my direction and waved me in. I waved back and unstraddled my horse,i walked towards my grandma,she was getting older than i expected,especially after the death of my grandfather,what love do to people?

She smiled and pointed to the zizi, the calf was there. I took it and thanked my grandma… I’ll have to stay with her the whole next season,I swore that under my breath.

To the dance,I was welcomed by guards or is it loyal servants to the chief,I didn’t mind… Then i saw her,she had her face covered next to his father in the royal stool,she had knelt down next to her father,oh those eyes,theycould make the sun shy(naah that’s damn old),they made me weak… Yes, i knew my heart was going to betray me soon.

The dance had already atarted by the time i had come back after fully securing the ‘gift’ at a safe place. I saw my friends each trying to impress their maidens on their dancing styles,God knows where the heaven they had learnt that,i swore that aftrr the dance I’ll have to squeeze their balls for not involving me on their private rehearsal(Oh that’s gross but then I’ll do that), i made my usual age set sound to pronounce my presence,they all turned and one of them,yes ptoiyot,that is what i call him,dared me to dance… Hmmm he’s crazy because he knows exactly what I’m not capable of. I was to get angry and knock his teeth off,but then the ladies were there, in my mind I started identifying my left and right legs,well here we go,now my hands movement should go in a sequence with my shoulder.

My embarrasment was saved when i felt a tap,she was there,her teeth as white as milk,her neck nicely shaped as the valley,her smile…(no comments on that),she was all a perfect definition of a woman I’d call the mother of my children.

Well that is the end of my story,well I am missing that young guy who wore the skins for a dance,that guy who went for a lady not a slayqueen,that man who always fought for himself,a man who cared,a man who was a MAN.

Life is a Game,Be the Best Player

So i was busy playing some game(don’t ask me the name,but all i know it was car race),a hint am obsessed with car racing,not in reality but as a gamer. The game had what i’d call rules or whatever they could be. But this is generally what happened,i was to race eight Super sports cars,i was to be among the top three to proceed to the next level. In the road i was using,all kind of distractors and some silly attacks from the cars i was supposed to outshine. Every time i was attacked,there was a vibration or al music that kinda screamed how a loser i was. So the race started,at the first round i was the first,then came the attack,i think a missile or something,landed right behind my car,then the vibration,that freaked me out,i closed my eyes,cursed under my breath,i opened my eyes and poof i was 8/8,what statements-creators called it “from grace to grass”,well i like challenges,off i changed my gears and hit my accelerator to the maxim speed….

8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2…

Poof. Again came the vibration,guess i had ridden over an explosive… Back to the pattern,closed my eyes,cursed under my breath,opened the eyes,and oh boy back to your position 8/8… This time before i could even change my gears and all that,another long vibration,i had missed my directions and hit straight into a tree(thought i was racing in a desert,where that tree came from only God knows), i cursed more,did some gear change,stepped on the accelerator,did more brakes,turned my steering wheel into different angles,after some seconds i was back on the road,stepped on my accelerator,back to my maximum speed and i hit the road,then something weird happens,all the cars i thought i was chasing after all were coming from my front and going back,two things crossed my mind,one I’m a victim of a wrong race challenge or (i hope not this) i was going in a wrong direction, the latter unfortunately was correct,i had to do a drifting and change my direction,but then as i was almost the finish line,i thought the race was over but unfortunately not,as i was circled and i had one more lap,come on that sucks!!!,well i quit and thought about restarting the race.

Restarted race…

Something crossed my mind,for me to have a better game,some things must change,one i have to do away with the vibrations(loser’s tones) and should turn up my music and the sounds my car made whenever it accelerated,braked or drifted(motivational tones), finally i was ready. The race started,loud music,the game was on. Started in position 3, my gears,a hard step on the accelerator, a missile thrown,target hit,i keep moving,no curses,eyes still open,position 2…. Another explosive in the road,(middle finger up),played with my steering wheel,did a well calculated drift then brakes,suck it boy i missed it…

Back on the track,one more lap one more challenge in the race… I stepped harder on the accelerator, my speed was hitting at 170… 180… And more 220.. Then i realized something,my engine was slowing down,then a thought something,if these cars could throw a missile at me then why not me. I looked for the magic button and there it was,a clear vision of my opponent and bingo press the button bastard,poof on target. Hurray i was now the first and the finish line was close.

A big smile…

My tensed muscles relaxed and i smiled,and as if fate was teaching me a lesson,another car came super fast from my behind and it stepped the finish line first,i was second,pissed i became. But then i proceeded to the next level.. Sweet riddance.

Learnt something??

Life is a game,we are always like in a race,trying to chase what we want,trying to always achieve something before our demise ,trying to build an empire for the people we love. Just the same way as the game,its not smooth,we’ve to meet an explosive on our way, we have to be hit by a missile and a times meet trees on our way that only heaven knows where they came from. And if that is not enough we at times lose focus and find our self in the wrong direction. Instead of moving forward we move backwards,we lose what we had gained.

Some will quit fully and decide that that they’ve had enough. They’ll either choose to consider themselves failures and opt to idling around never to follow their ambitions(well i could have chose to never play the game), or they’ll also choose to hide themselves from the world and all the failures it exposed them to. Suicide(I would have as well uninstalled the game and forget it ever existed).

And then there will be other group of people who will sit down,think over it,try finding out what caused their failure and try eliminating them. They will find that they heard more more of discouragements and “trust-me-not-you-can’t-make-it” statements from the sadistic and mean people around them(loser’s tone),so they go ahead purchase headphones and turn up the music and focus on their triumphant voices within them(motivational tones) and they’ll be back to the ground stronger than before. They’ll step harder on their accelerator and venture deeper into into what they were once called dumb at. They’ll always emerge the best on what they’ve chose to move with. A reminder don’t work too hard to lose what matters in your life;your family your friends and yourself are what is not supposed to be lost.

In life sometimes you just don’t have to play clean as they’re playing dirty. Release your missile if its what it takes to make you a winner.

Importantly be deaf to what pulls you down,never be afraid to be hit by a missile,but always have the second chance or even a hundredth chance to stand up again and hit the road. If they throw a rock on you,come on don’t build a castle on a rock that would have killed you… Instead smile and move on but when the chance comes unleash the rocks you’ve that they bow down to you and show them the middle finger( but please don’t miss),you’re the boss of your own self.

The Song I ever sing

The dark sky,the silent environs,the sad mind and the silent heart… Everything is standing still,it seem like the universe is watching me waiting for a silly move from me.. Well everything waits for me except the soft cool music from my headphones.. Oh God i love the music,its like communicating my own emotions to me… It sounds sarcastic again but anyway its “i need you” by Chris Brown,quite emotional but anyway.

So I’m back to the same favorite spot,i think i should write something about it but its all about life,everything is all but one step at a time,just as what we had started building together.

A still voice…

Oh God its your voice,now I’m distracted because i want to listen more of your voice. I listen to your laughter(well a hint,i think your laughter is what made me learn the mastery art of humor),your laughter fascinates me. It makes me lose my mind,it gives me sad memories,it ignites the portion of my emotions that i told one of my conscience to bury it temporarily,Sadness?Madness? Neither. Loneliness? Yes that’s it for now … No its emptiness,yes i feel empty,i feel i lack something,that feeling brings tears..

Tears…

Talking about tears,you remember the day you made me cry,we were here,the same exact place I’m seated now… You were on my right,you were telling me something (well i guess you were supposedly trying to convince my heart that It made a mistake),something that made me cry…

Cry memories…

Well do you remember our sweet talks,talks about how assholes we have been in our lives,about the many mistakes we made in our lives,about what we wish would happen again….. About how we acted stupid in love,well about many things all that i remember is that our conversations always ended in the morning when people woke up and found us on out way to sleep….

Sweet memories….

I’d then take you into my arms ,you’d look me straight in my eyes and say the magical three words “You’re the best ” ,i’d smile and kiss you passionately thanking my heart for making that mistake.

And now here i am,at the same spot we last kissed,counting months that i last saw you.. And the same song once again started…

The song…

Its so musical,so tuneful,so colorful… It makes the body sway on its beats.. But the message makes the heart cry,makes the muscles week and worst makes me cry…

The lyrics…

“I MISS YOU”

He Made Me Do It

Well I’m seated here in cold,the same spot where i first took you out… Hold on well me seated here does not mean i miss you, no no no… It means its my favourite spot… Well something just cross my mind and since I’m the usual typical me… I always write my thoughts…

So there is this woman who we shared a seat with at this noisy matatu… She was beautiful… I mean those eyes,shapely,the lips,the nose,the cheeks(i will call them chubby but then i will not because they had dimples or something) ,Generally she was a piece of art to be admired.

As per my law(Goddamit,i do not know where i get these laws but anyway who cares) i had lived up with is know as many people as possible,or at least the one seated next to you…. Well again whenever i start a conversation with a hello or sth i lose focus on the way and we are back to silence…so i start observing her and one particular thing in her attracts me… A writing on her phone that said “If you think you know the devil,wait till you meet me” … I love crazy challenges and that’s when i set myself for what is set up for me. I felt like screaming hallelujah when i saw the matt slowing down in the traffic.

“Should i call you the daughter to the devil or something” that was what started the conversation,as usual i had expected like a mean look from her followed by mean rude remarks but instead she smiled,that smile was too much…she looked directly into my eyes and with another killer smile she said,”And are you the son of God or something”, well that was a good start…

Smile…

We had a heated discussion(and yeah of course a lot of shocking revelation, no,revelations sounds too strong,lets call it opinions). The discussion was long and trust me i would not really like to write about it,some portions of it are what the contemporary world would call gross…

So in summary,she talked to me of how at her tender age of 12,she had a church friend(well i do not remember if it was a pastor,priest,brother,imam or sth because i usually do not know their difference,they all seem to me as the masters of the big-book,again who cares ) who she had fully trusted. Then came the boring part of what they did together,what he preached to her and how they could meet every evening for a bible study…( now there is nothing exciting about that,so i switched off my mind and just watched her talk,her voice became the music you usually hear without really listening to it,after all her voice was musical).

“…wanted to have sex with me” well that kicked me out of my silly imaginations. She narrated to me how this man tried to make her have sex with him. The pleading felt into deaf ears as how on earth could such a well respected ‘man of god’ have such a ghetto behaviour in church(i have really no issue with ghetto people by the way). So a physco always have his own way whether by force or by submission. He had his way through both mechanism. The lady narrates to me of how she was sexually molested by the man and threatened never to talk about it as she risked her life.

Death….

Her face was filled with tears as she narrated it to me,my weakness i usually cry when i see someone cry so to prevent it it i adjusted myself and took her in my arms. She stopped crying and laughed.. Well that caught me off guard as maybe i didn’t get the joke or probably i didn’t have a sense of humor.. Well the latter is wrong cause i am usually known of smiling and laughing even at flying insects( seriously even if you get pissed at me and throw all the meanest things that cross your mind don’t expect me not to smile at you) I asked her what was funny and all she said is she solved it and she never regrets what happened.

Curiosity….

I had to know what what she did and all she said is “I killed him” and smiled. Now that’s when i realised that my hands were all shaky and sweaty. I pulled my hands away and adjusted myself in an angle… I think they call it fly-away-buddy-fly-angle.

She smiled and said that it gave her the strength to kill whoever gives a f*** to her. Okay that was enough may be yes i was sexually aroused when i held her but now nah.. Everything was off,not interested.”I’d kill again if need arises,..”

Panic…..

Hurt people hurt people,the fact that she was hurt changed her to be one of the most scary people I had met. That church guy made her feel that indeed she is a potential devil. We a times do things that creates a deeper impact into someones life and if their personality changes we are always the first to judge. Think about it.

Well i don’t know if we still talked because i alighted.. I was too scared of being any potential culprit (did i even reach my destination,anyway who cares)